From a “White” Black Girl

Only to continue to segregate ourselves.  I swear, I see one more “black” this or “us vs them” that and I’m going to freaking scream.  Seriously, I understand why the Black Lives Matter Movement is important but when you look at how we as a community has acted at least as long as I can remember, we have fought tooth and nail to stay seperate.  The way we ridicule each other by measuring one another’s “blackness” and creating channels like Black Entertainment Televizion and I don’t know if it’s true but when Fubu came out when I was a kid, all I heard was that it was an acronym that stood for For Us By Us.  Like I said, no clue to the truth of this but things like that would be met with hatred and hostility of white people did them.  And here in DC, I discovered the channel Bounce TV and the slogan is “TV our way.”  I mean sriously, I would love to see the show What Would You Do do a segment on that.  I’m curious to see how people would react.  Just have a couple of white people talking and one of them, ridiculing the other saying, “You’re white.  We don’t act like that/listen to that/eat that/dress like that etc.” and see how people around them react to hearing that.  Because that’s all I’ve heard my entire life.  I was more accepted and welcomed by every other race but my own because of this sort of mentality.  And it still  continues to this day.
But why?  Why are we treating each other this way?  If a white person said to a black person that they’re supposed listen to a certain type of music or dress a certain way or only eat certain food, or they aren’t a real black person, people would point to that white person and scream racist.
And yes, everyone is responsible for their own actions but people have a tendency to treat other the way they treat themselves to a extent.  For example, the mother who puts her family first and never takes time to think about herself tends to get neglected by her family.  Not because they don’t love and appreciate her but since she doesn’t make herself a priority neither do they.
Now, take that minute habit and imagine the way a truly evil person would treat someone who treats themselves badly.  Now expand that to an entire community.  Think of all the truly evil, racist people that see the black community treating each other this way.  How do you think they’re going to treat us?  If you said “a lot worse” you would have only guessed the tip of the iceburg.
Basically what I’m saying is that this whole Black Lives Matter Movement bothers me because of how I’ve been treated.  The way the black community has ostracized me for not fitting into a small box of stereotypes all based on my skin color.  I’ve been made to feel like an outcast by pretty much every group at one time or another but nothing hurt nearly as bad as what my own community has to me and continues to do.
It just seems to me like just one more thing I’m expected to be passionate and jump on the “us vs them” band wagon just because of my skin color.  But I just can’t be that way.  I used to despise my skin color and now I just don’t care about it.  I don’t think I’ll ever be proud of it let alone love it.  Because I’ve spent my entire life being stuffed into a tiny box labeled “black stereotypes” by my “own kind”.

September Goals

I stumbled upon a blog today and she posted her goals for this month.  So, I thought, why in the world didn’t I think of that?  I’m doing it.
So, all day I’ve been thinking about what my goals for this month should be.  Especially considering that this is my last month of pregnancy.  Mobility has been so non-existent for me that Jiraiya (bless his heart) keeps trying to help me get up off the couch.  He just hears me struggling and comes to my rescue.  I won’t even get into what it does for my heart to see how much of a real little man he is.
Well, in coming up with goals, I’m hitting a brick wall because all I can think of for goals are things like, “Get the place ready for Jem.” Or more generalized like, “Get the place clean/organized.”
Now we all know, that is not going to happen.  It just isn’t.  Not for lack of positive thinking but because of reality.  It’s just not wise or safe to try and push myself to get all these things done.  Having Jem born happy, healthy and with minimal complications is more important than any of the extra running around I would have to do to get those things done.
I’ve been racking my brain for a couple hours now since starting this post because usually the answers come to me as I write.  But this time, my pride is getting in the way.  I hate feeling weak like this.  I’m just as strong as any strong man out there.  I pride myself on being an amazon.  That’s why I’m having such a hard time accepting that pregnancy is supposed to be a reasonable excuse to take it easy.  But my compulsions won’t just let me relax.  Trying to ignore Jacques’ devil may care attitude towards housework alone is too much to bear.  But I can whine about that another day.  Right now, I need to focus on setting a few realistic goals for this month.
[Time lapsed: 6 more hours]
Alright, I’ve finally got it.  I put a lot of thought into this list so I’m feeling pretty good about it.

1. Live through childbirth.
They lost me on the table for a minute during my emergency c-section with Jiraiya.  That concerns me a bit because they don’t even know why it happened.  This is my number one goal because without this one, the rest mean nothing.

2. Get the laundry done and put away properly.
The laundry here has piled up so high, I can’t even stand it.  All because Jacques doesn’t care about it and thus thinks neither should I.  He’s only started coming around when I spent last month making sure I did one load every week over at Thrive DC.  Now that he’s caused us to go almost three weeks without doing any, he’s starting to lose his contentment with being filthy and wearing dirty clothes.  I’m going to drag the real Jacques back out of him kicking and screaming if I have to.  And this is just one of many ways I’m going about it.

3. Set up both Jiraiya’s and Jem’s areas.
Due to our lives pretty much being torn apart since about half way through our first pregnancy, we had to move around a lot and struggle and basically play Survivor.  Because of that, Jiraiya never had a space to call his own.  With the new baby coming, I feel super guilty about that and about living in this one bedroom unit in this family shelter instead of the three bedroom townhouse we deserve.  So, I’m going to once and for all establish Jiraiya’s Space so he can feel a sense of pride and belonging every kid should have.  Yes, it will be a big adjustment for Jacques because he has this habit of taking over Everything wherever we live to the point where all you see is him and nothing and no one else everywhere you look.  He doesn’t even know he does this but it ends now.  And he’s made so much progress within himself, I really think he can handle this without freaking out or melting down.  I’m really proud of him.

Anyway, those are my only goals for this month.  Not too much for me to take on and I can slowly work on them without strain through to the end of the month.

The only question remains is, What are your goals for this month?  Let me know in the comments section.


I’m Not Alone… Am I?

I recently had a brief interaction with someone on Facebook that ended with me getting butthurt and blocking them.  Not the most mature of responses but I’m working on that annoying habit of avoiding confrontation.
Well, anyway, I am rarely on Facebook anymore and when I am, I’m mostly on my page and not even looking at my personal timeline.  Usually, if I am on my personal profile, it’s because I’m about to log off and check to see if I’ve gotten any messages and reply if necessary.
If I do have messages, I reply real quick and log off.  I obviously don’t expect the person to respond right away nor do I care.  The people that have significance in my life all know that Facebook is the last place to reach me if you’re looking for an immediate response.
This person that got me butthurt obviously isn’t one of those people because I responded yesterday morning to month old message he sent me.  I guess he had a problem with the time I sent it because he responded by telling me not to expect him to be up and on Facebook before a certain time in the morning.
That annoyed me a lot.  Maybe more than it should have but I’m going to chalk that up to these pesky hormones and being so close to having the new baby and the severe lack of sleep etc.
But anyway, besides all that, his response annoyed me because in my message I did mention that I have a toddler and about to have another one.  So in my mind, those facts combined with the fact that I have mentioned several times that I rarely have time to be online anymore (and even then, it’s  very limited time) would tell him that I would never expect him to be available and that I don’t have time to Facebook chat.
At first it only bothered me a little because I thought he was an 11 or 12 year old kid whose feelings I didn’t want to hurt too bad.  But then when I went to unfriend him, I saw that he’s 20 years old. Considering I’m barely 9 years older than that, I felt a bit alone.  I of course, I usually do when faced with immature adults.
I know not everyone has the same ideas of what online etiquette is but knowing that didn’t keep me from feeling butthurt about it.  That’s another thing I’m working on.
But when I have moments like tha, I always feel really alone afterwards.  Like I’m the only person in the world who has these problems.  As unrealistic as I know that is, I still get frustrated and end up beating myself up asking myself, “Why can’t I just be normal?” I remind myself that disagreeing with people is part of life.  In fact, it’s a huge part of life.  And it’s a part, I’m not good at handling.  I know I can get better at it.  I just need to keep working at it and give myself patience.
In the meantime, I need to work on handling those feelings of being alone in a struggle that is mine and no one else’s.
And I am working on it.  And as I find tactics and coping methods that work for me, I’ll be sharing them with all of you here.  So, look forward to that. 

Going Vegan

I’m going through the same thing right now. I’m going vegan because my body is now rejecting animal products. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with eating meat but there is A LOT wrong with the industrialization of how we go about it.
The silly thing of it is that I’ve actually been putting my conversion to veganism due to the ridicule I’ve succumb to on both sides of the fence. Other vegans would ridicule me for being okay with eating meat at all. And meat eaters would make fun of me and say I’m just following a trend. The one thing they both agree on is that they both think I’m fake.
So, to shut them all up, I continued to put myself through physical pain by eating the way I always have. Vegans had nothing to say to me as long as I wasn’t on their side of the fence and meat eaters didn’t care as long as I stayed on their side.
What I’d like to know is what in the world makes people think they have the right to have and express such strong opinions about what another person eats? I mean sure, the way we’re killing the planet just to overfeed an overwhelming population of our out of touch species is atrocious but that’s true for both our meat eaters and our vegetarians and vegans.  Ever heard of soil erosion?  And how about the ridiculous practice of deforestation just to plant a big ass farm?  There’s really a lot more than a simple change of diet we as a species needs to do to save or planet from further damage.
And we all know we hate the feeling of being shamed and bullied. So, why do people who wouldn’t otherwise bully someone resort to bullying tactics when they’re trying to “do the right thing”?
I dunno. I’m not actually expecting to ever get the answer within this lifetime. I was just thinking out loud.

What to do

Just got my new phone from my bestie, Kimmie. I’m so happy, I’m losing my mind. I finally feel a bit more secure now. Okay, a lot more secure and grounded. I’ve gotten so much inspiration just from reading other blogs again and watching youtube videos. I feel like myself again. I don’t feel alone anymore either. Cuz no one besides my husband cares to listen to me talk about arts and crafts or the business I’m working on building. It’s like no one besides the two of us is motivated to do anything in life but sit around doing nothing. Their only interested in existing and don’t try to really live. Being surrounded by that type of perpetual lethargy has really taken its toll on us both. And let’s face it, we’ve been surrounded by this for the last several years. We couldn’t find like-minded people to socialize let alone network with since moving to Tulsa and it seems like we’re surrounded by it again here in DC.
That says a lot about how much we let their energy change ours because we used to attract motivated, energetic people all the time. Now, that’s all we seem to run into.
Now, we’re back online and we have access to the kinds of things that feeds our true selves. Maybe once I get that inner happy person awake and active again, I can finally come up with a new name for my blog.
Well, anyway, I’m officially 36 Weeks and the countdown has begun. I’ll update y’all later. ^_^


Faced with a task you REALLY don’t feel like doing?  Just concentrate on just how much better you’ll feel once the task is behind you.  You’ll find the more you focus on the feeling you want to have later, the more you’ll feel it now.  Next thing you know the task is over and you feel great.


I want to remind my Wonderlings that you only get out of life what you put into it.  So, as wonderful as your light is, you can only shine as bright as your energy will allow.

Take some time everyday to replenish all the love you give out to the universe daily.