Earth to Jacqueline: A Late Thanks

Wow, I never published this blog post I started writing.
Actually there are quite a few that I started but didn’t publish.  But this one, I feel pretty bad about not posting.

I hit 100 subbies!!!  I would have been over the moon about it when that happened.  But I don’t know what happened.  The numbness from depression robbed me of the enthusiasm I was supposed to feel at the time.  The original post lacked authenticity and cheerfulness.  The things normal people feel when they’re work is appreciated by 100x more people than they ever expected.
I really hate this.  I WILL beat this!!  I will beat depression’s ass and send it back to the depths from whence it came!
I am SO fucking stoked that I have over 100 subbies!  Like, 140 or so. 
I never thought I’d hit triple digits.  Hell, I never thought I’d hit double digits, but here we are.
It gives me great encouragement to keep going and keep blogging.
I love you all!  I really do.  It may not seem like it because of my lack of posting and commenting and whatnot.  But I generally love everyone.  If I didn’t know you and some hints bad happened to you and I heard about it, I would be truly saddened and wish only the best for you and your loved ones.

The reason for this new post is because I want to show appreciation to all of you.  Even if you don’t actually read most of my ramblings and only show interest in posts with pictures in them, I don’t mind.  Cuz you saw something interesting enough for you to click “follow”.
And hell, those that followed only because I followed y’all first.  Thank you too.  Cuz you didn’t have to bt you did and I appreciate it.

THANKS EVERYBODY!!  ^_^

Kudos to my Loving Husband

This first week of using my charts was kind of a bust.  I didn’t keep up with hardly anything and depression was a most formidable opponent.  If it weren’t for my husband helping me out with a lot of things this week, I probably would’ve just done the barest of the minimum.
But I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  In fact, I’m forgiving myself due to the holiday and gave myself permission to relax and just try again this week.
The thing I need to remember the most concerning the charts though, is actually marking down when I complete a task.  I dropped the ball on that this week, so the charts look like I’ve hardly done anything at all.  But it’s okay.  Like I said, I’m forgiving myself for that as well.
We bad a most joyous Christmas as a family.  And over the weekend, my husband made me feel more beautiful than I have in a long time.
My friend Kimmie said I looked like a model in my latest facebook selfie and even though they both deny it, the timing suggests that my husband put her up to that.  Not that I’m complaining.  She very well might have done it all on her own and I’m just being insecure.  She is a wonderfully sweet person like that.
This weekend, I came up with a new strategy to make myself get things done on my charts and it really helps everyone in the house relax a lot more.

Just give my husband my phone and let him play on it.

Brilliantly simple, is it not?  It’s the second biggest distraction for me with the kids being the first.  And he gets to relax and play on my phone and have something to occupy his time so he’s not going stir crazy.  It’s really a win-win for everyone.
I’ve even sent my phone with him while he’s gone out. 
He’s been the most supportive presence in my life lately.  I really don’t know what I’d do without him.
We’ve been through a lot and he’s come a long way.  To the point where I feel lately like I haven’t been nearly as supportive to him as he has been to me.  Or something like that.  It’s hard to describe.  Because I see all these improvements and changes he’s made within himself and yet I feel like I’ve fallen behind.  And I’m determined to catch up and be at his side as he continues to becoming more and more awesome.
I hope the world can handle it.

Santa Came Early

So, beginning of November, I signed the kids up for this Toys-for-Tots type thing but run by somebody else.  There was no guarantee that was even going to happen so I just put whatever I could think of at the time on the list.
Turned out, Santa decided to come early this year.  Yay!

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Jiraiya’s first tricyc

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le.

Had to figure out a way to get all this home without a veh

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icle.

He’s still trying to figure out how to work the

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petals.

But we got them all home with the help from the cart the staff at Thrive DC let us borrow (which my husband promptly returned) and I couldn’t help but open the heaviest box in h

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is absence.

But then he got home and the unwrapping fre

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nzy commenced.

This box is now our prayer box. It was packed with love

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by a young child.

And this is what was inside; a three-part of wipes, baby wash and baby lotion.

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Now, we’re gettin into the books.  This one was one of my favorite children’s books, which is sayin something because I didn’t like them that much as a child.

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This one makes all sorts of dinosaur noises like roaring and stomping through the jungle and even eating leaves.

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Another book.

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Even though the kids have my husband’s last name, my last name was on the sign up, so they all put my last name with the kids’ names.  And I think it’s adorable the way they all spelled her name ‘Jum’.

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These Christmas cards have so much love in them.

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Daddy trying to show Jiraiya how to open his presents.

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Another adorable Christmas card.

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New shoes, Jiraiya can grow into.  Woo-hoo!

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More books!  A couple of them are second copies so Jem can have one too.

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Some of these were wrapped so beautifully, I couldn’t help but photograph them.

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More clothes!

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Dr. Suess!!

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No ashy babies on my watch anymore.

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Baby toys for Jem!

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A book just for Jem.

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More clothes. Lol

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I wish I had video recorded the moment when Daddy said, “Hey, look, bubba.  You’ve got a sled!”  Jiraiya’s reaction was so perfect!

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Diapers and wipes, yo.

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This wrapping paper was so shiny and pretty, I had to take a picture.

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But look what was inside!  Pretty freakin sweet, if you ask me.

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There will be NO reason why my babies would be dirty now.  Not that there was any before.

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Much-needed.

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Jem receiving her first real teddy bear.  She’s just all like, “What’s goin on?”

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More clothes.

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Another Christmas card attached to a present.

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This beautiful blanket was inside.

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Jiraiya is gonna be lookin so fly at the park. #playgroundchic

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Last two books.

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And another Christmas card written with pure love.

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Happy Holidays, everybody!

SMART goal-setting

I had to reboot this so that I can refer back to it. I have a lot of BIG goals that have steps and milestones, so this will really help me A LOT in reaching them. Thanks so much for posting this! ^_^

thebikinibookworm

Remember in school when you learned to set SMART goals? We’re coming back to it! Many of us have a vision in mind, but have no goals written down to hold us accountable. Not only will writing down your goals help you remember them, but that piece of paper will be a constant reminder of your vision and motivate you to succeed! Let’s do it!

  • SPECIFIC – Any vision needs to be specific to be meaningful. Wanting to boost confidence or reduce stress are great goals, but they’re not specific enough to give you focus. Instead your goal may be something like “work out more to feel better about myself”, or “spend more time reading to relax”. Now you can see your vision forming! I currently have a goal to improve my running skills.
  • MEASURABLE – Now you have a goal, but how do you know when you’ve reached it? It…

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Conform to What?

I recently made a comment on an article shared on the Women’s Rights News facebook page.  A woman was defending her sexual promiscuity and there was a heated debate in the comment section.  When I used to treat and fit in with society, I felt like I was in an abusive relationship.  And I was so proud of myself for finding the words to express my frustation, I decided to share my comment here for your enjoyment.

This is what I had to say:

I was just thinking about this subject his morning.  I was thinking of how absolutely insane the “double standard” is.  And I use quotes because it’s a lot more confusing and ridiculous than just a double standard.  I mean, think about it:
Women are to remain pure and untouched or they’re considered whores or some mess.
But men can go around fucking as many women as they want….
…..which then make a bunch of women “impure” but the men aren’t wrong for doing it but the women are………
So, the only way for the women to remain “pure” is for women to only sleep with women and men to only sleep with men…..
……..but that’s a sin……….
So, exactly who can men sleep with?
Only women.
But we want them to remain pure, so they shouldn’t be sleeping with any men at all…….
Exactly……
So then who are the men supposed to sleep with if we want the women to remain pure and being gay is a sin?

…………………….
Do you see?  I wish it were as simple as a double standard.  Because then it would simply be “You can’t do this, but I can” sort of thing.  This is just……
Honestly, I feel that it boils down to the way women were being viewed when this ridiculous “standard” was introduced and have been since.
It was ALL just abuse.  The societal rules surrounding us placed all blame and shame on us.  We were to remain pure, but if we willingly laid with a man we were trash.  If a man took it from us, then we were vile temptresses and whores and whatnot that force him to rape her.  It just didn’t matter what we did, the rules were set in place so that we were at fault and we were to be ashamed.

Fuck society.  Fuck whether or not society will ever accept certain things.  At least that’s how I feel individually.  I am so sick to death of society and the way it makes NO FUCKING SENSE and it never has.  I mean really, just in this country alone, let’s look at how it was founded:
“Hey, we don’t want your religion forced upon us.  We have a right to live as we choose.  So we’re going to go find a place where we can live freely, without fear of persecution as every man has the right to live.”
*settlers show up. finds people already living here and they have different culture than their own. proceeds with mass genocide and religious persecution*
Why break my neck to please a society that doesn’t even know what it wants? 
Even today, sex and sexual promiscuity is celebrated and glorified in entertainment in all genders.  But then when we see the same thing in real life, we automatically shame everyone.  And we say, “well, that’s just tv. We don’t really want people doing that.”
“So in other words, we can have sexual freedom but only in fiction?”
“Well, not exactly.  We actually think that’s nasty too.”
“Then I have no sexual freedom.”
“No, you do. Just keep it to yourself.”
“Well, what if my partner tells others about what we did?”
“Well, that’s your own fault for sleeping with them.”
“But shouldn’t they keep it to themselves?”
……..do you see where I’m going?
The madness doesn’t end.  We as a society make no fucking sense and we’re anything but free. 

It shouldn’t matter that she fucks a lot.  (Unless she had some diseases and didn’t care about spreading them. And let’s face it, people like that exist).  We shouldn’t have to have an open discussion in order to “normalize” an abundance of safe sex with multiple partners.  Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with it?  Nothing.  Period.
The only thing that would make it kind of wrong is if she herself claimed to have a set of beliefs that contradicted her behavior.  Cuz hypocrisy isn’t cool no matter how you look at it because, double standards (and we’ve made it full fucking circle!).

Uncharted

Like I said before, the most basic tasks like bathing or eating tend to falls through the cracks once depression breaks through and all invades.
So, I’ve made charts for myself to keep track of how often I do each of these tasks.  I have one for hygiene, one for daily chores, one for exercise and because I don’t want my kids to be neglected while I work on myself, I made one for the basic daily activities involving them.
I know it sounds like something you’d have for a toddler to help get them form good habits and really it’s not that far off.  Not everyone can live with depression and still function at a basic capacity.  I’m just one of those people that can’t.  And I’m no longer ashamed of it.
I was the first time around I incorporated this system when I first struck out on my own.  But that’s because I was extremely insecure and lacked any kind of self-esteem.  But you know what?  I’m not the only person who has these problems when in the midst of depression and if something like this can help me, then I’m sure it can help someone else who sees me going through it.
I think it would appeal to any type of gamer.  I know it works for me because of that.  You see, for each time I do one of the activities on the chart, I put a check next to it under the current day of the week.  At the end of the week, I tally up the checks to get my score in that category and at the bottom, I tally up my overall score.
And before any of you who might be reading this try to say that there are just some things that are too embarrassing to put on the chart, let me tell you some of the things on my hygiene chart:

Shower
Brush teeth
Use the bathroom
Moisturize
Drink water

Yes.  You ready that right.  Depression takes so much of my motivation away that I even forget to get up off my butt and use the restroom.

Since having Jem, and even since having Jiraiya, all I’ve barely been able to make myself do is take care of them.  That’s it.  I’ll feed them and forget that I haven’t eaten in days.  I’ll bathe them and forget when the last time I showered.  I’ll change their outfit everyday and wear the same thing for a week straight.
But at the same time, I’ll forget to play with them most days because I’m just too drained to be bothered to do little more than spectate.
Now, that’s just during the depression days.  When I’m not depressed, I’m freakin Super Mom.  But I’m tired of letting depression rob them of all the extra fun stuff they deserve from me.  So, that’s why I included Imagination time and Story time in their chart.

The charts don’t have to be pretty.  They just need to be placed somewhere in your home that you’re sure to see them every single day.
I simply taped them up next to the bathroom door.

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When I made my charts about ten years ago, I made them myself using a spreadsheet I drew up in Microsoft Excel.  This time around, my CSW, Genee found one online and printed it out for me.
Like I said, it doesn’t have to be pretty.  And it certainly doesn’t have to be displayed pretty.  The point is, if you think it’ll help you, just get it done.  I mean, look at mine.  That is anything but pretty but the whole point is to not waste a lot of time just talking about what you’re going to do with it and just get it done.
Today is the first day on my charts.  I put them up day before yesterday and I decided to start utilizing it today.  But even though I started using it today, I did make attempts to start improving before now and realized that I think I’ll benefit from the charts a lot more than I first thought.
Well, let’s see how this week goes.
Wish me luck!  ^_^

Post Partum and Me

It’s been brought to my attention by my counselor that I’m experiencing some post partum since having Jem.  So, I’m shifting my focus to myself and improving myself as a wife and mother.
And most people know about the feeling of not wanting to get up out of bed.  The lack of energy.  The pain and soreness without external cause.  The mood swings.  Well, what does that look like?  I’ll tell you what it looks like.  It looks like a damn trainwreck.  And even people who call themselves openly discussing depression still sugar coat it.
Even in the commercials about depression, the person with depression still has a clean ass house.  They look like they’ve showered recently.  Or at least sometime within the last day.  Hell, they even have clean clothes on.  Some of the women in the commercials even look like they bothered to put on some makeup.  They sometimes show the person in he midst of people but “feeling” isolated.
Hell, no.  Depression is ugly.  It’s not something that makes it easy for people to approach you.  When you haven’t done anything for days but lie in bed feeling numb and tired and occasionally sad, people tend to distance themselves from you.  Why?  Because you stink, bitch!  Of course people aren’t going to offer you a damn hug when you haven’t showered in a few days or bothered to do the laundry. 
When your mood keeps swinging, it’s tiresome to deal with you.  Depression doesn’t just make you “feel” isolated.  It does isolate you. 
I’m not saying it’s that extreme.  I’m just saying it tends to put walls up around us that we didn’t ask to be built. 
Depression is ugly business.  And, me being to open book that I am, I want to share my journey with you all as best I can.
I say ‘as best I can’ because the lack motivation and ability to focus tends to get in the way of my blogging among other things.

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This is what I wore to a Christmas party we took the kids to today.

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And this is what Jem wore.

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And I just realized I don’t have a good shot of Jiraiya’s outfit.
He had a shirt on underneath that shirt that said “Holiday Hunk”