Why do I have to fight? Why do I have to physically hurt you or kill you for you to get the hint?
Why do I have to keep getting reasons to be a man-hating, castrating bitch?
Why do you act like I’m wrong for telling you No? Why am I treated like the bad guy? Why can’t you accept that I don’t want to give you a hug? Why can’t you just be okay with me not wanting you to kiss me? Even on the cheek?
No, I don’t want to show you my stomach! No, I don’t want to wear your shirt! No, it doesn’t have anything to do with my husband! I just don’t want to fuck you! I don’t find you attractive! No, not even if you paid me! ESPECIALLY if you paid me! Even if I was single, I wouldn’t want you!
Why do I have to feel like I have to take your life in order to stop you from doing what you want to me?
What the hell is wrong with you? Is it that hard to understand that I don’t give a fuck about how hard you are? Or how much money you have? Or how long it’s been since you got some? Is it so fucking hard to understand that it is NOT my fucking duty to “take care of you”?!
I hate you. I hate you with eveything I have.
Please kill yourself.
I just saw a commercial for those command picture hangers. You know, those things that stick to the back of the picture frame and they stick to the wall.
Well, anyway it had MC Hanner in it and it actually made me smile. It’s good to see him getting a paying gig.
I was out singing today and I asked this guy for a light of my half a cig and he offered to buy me food and he got me this BOMB ass salad. It is so filling and delicious af. I’m extremely grateful for his kindness.
Saturday we have a date to meet with a good friend who will help me write my resumé. I’m looking for a job in the field of social work. One of my stepping stones to becoming a life coach.
Gotta pay for school somehow, right? Life coaching schools don’t typically offer financial aid.
This is a turning point in my life. I’m really looking forward to moving upward and onward.❤
If you’ve been following along with my on-again/off-again journey to getting fit and healthy, you’ll notice I’m a hot freakin mess. I’ll start and go at it hardcore for a couple days and tell myself, “This time, I’m going to transform into the super healthy, fitness junkie I know is sleeping inside of me!”
Then I putter out and I give into the negative self-talk.
Well, I realized there are a lot more things to address than just making sure I work out everyday or what have you.
I noticed my spine is completely out of alignment. That “neck hump” was starting to form from years of bad posture due to low self-esteem. It’s still really small. I call it my humpling. And I realized it’s due to the poor alignment that I’m not getting the results I want from my workouts. Well, that and my poor eating habits. Then there’s the extra pain and soreness that comes from it. When I work my core or my back or try to do yoga, a lot of movements are extremely painful. Now, I’m aware of why.
Then there’s the lack of sleep from the insomnia. It’s hard to workout with NO energy. And that can be linked back to my poor eating habits. And that, in turn can be linked back to the depression.
Depression is a serious, asshole. Pardon my French but there are no polite words to describe the way depression will change my appetite and my taste. Like, when it’s in full swing, I have to choke down healthy foods but I eat junk with no problems.
Then there’s the matter of the fact that I absolutely abhor doing any kind of workout or yoga practice in front of my husband. I just keep waiting for him to talk smack about my lack of flexibility or strength. I feel anxious, wondering if he’s looking at me. I can’t look at him. I’m afraid I’ll look up and see him looking at me with disgust or disappointment.
And the thing is, I don’t know how much of this all in my head and how much is how he actually looks at me.
And the only place I can workout in privacy is my son’s room. But not when he’s on punishment. Jacques just lectured me about that.
So, now I’m sitting here on my yoga mat while my husband sits on the bed playing a videogame, after having attempted to do some yoga for about two minutes before giving up.
It’s just so embarrassing. I don’t want him to see me.
What if I look stupid to him? What if I turn him off?
What if the YouTube videos I’m following along with annoy him or distract him and put him in a bad mood?
I’m so sick of feeling so damn insecure. I hate this so much.
Okay, I’m gonna try again. I can do this.
And succeed or fail, I’m definitely going to blog about this experience. My heart is pounding already and I’m on he brink of tears.
I hate this feeling but I hate feeling unhealthy and tired all the time even more.
*takes a deep breath. lets a few tears fall and quickly wipes them away*
Alright. Let’s do this.
Today’s Workout: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLj3Y2mC3NQ6M1B3tboJJ8JmlEebvdXtCy
I find it funny that there’s this big #stopbullying thing going on and a saying about how cyberbullying IS bullying.
And then there’s the whole #autismawareness thing. And everybody talks about how we shouldn’t body shame people or make fun of people with disabilities.
But even the people that supposedly advocate for these things think it’s acceptable to make fun of another person’s grammar or spelling online.
Like, really? Are you fucking kidding me?
So, we aren’t supposed to make fun of disabilities unless they’re visible? Is that what you’re saying? So, that means people with learning disabilities are fair game? Y’all a bunch of hypocrities.
So, the gurl whose abusive ex boyfriend bashed her head in and can no longer spell or read well is just supposed to be okay with being called stupid and told to go back to school?
The guy who got hit by a car and suffer brain damage is supposed to be okay with being made fun of?
How about the adult who was born with brain damage due to his/her trashy as “mother” doing drugs during pregnancy? I guess it’s okay to make fun of them too, right?
That’s not bullying, right?
Very, very wrong and you should be ashamed of yourselves.
And let’s not forget those who have a damaged phone and try to type but the phone keeps jacking up everything they try to say. That’s not their fault and telling them to “just get a new phone” is ignorant, elitist nonsense. Not everyone can “just get a new phone” right away.
Get over yourselves people. If YOU aren’t able to decipher what the person is trying to say, just because of a few grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, then that’s a reflection of YOU as a person, not them.