Why do I have to fight? Why do I have to physically hurt you or kill you for you to get the hint?
Why do I have to keep getting reasons to be a man-hating, castrating bitch?
Why do you act like I’m wrong for telling you No? Why am I treated like the bad guy? Why can’t you accept that I don’t want to give you a hug? Why can’t you just be okay with me not wanting you to kiss me? Even on the cheek?
No, I don’t want to show you my stomach! No, I don’t want to wear your shirt! No, it doesn’t have anything to do with my husband! I just don’t want to fuck you! I don’t find you attractive! No, not even if you paid me! ESPECIALLY if you paid me! Even if I was single, I wouldn’t want you!
Why do I have to feel like I have to take your life in order to stop you from doing what you want to me?
What the hell is wrong with you? Is it that hard to understand that I don’t give a fuck about how hard you are? Or how much money you have? Or how long it’s been since you got some? Is it so fucking hard to understand that it is NOT my fucking duty to “take care of you”?!
I hate you. I hate you with eveything I have.
Please kill yourself.
I just saw a commercial for those command picture hangers. You know, those things that stick to the back of the picture frame and they stick to the wall.
Well, anyway it had MC Hanner in it and it actually made me smile. It’s good to see him getting a paying gig.
I was out singing today and I asked this guy for a light of my half a cig and he offered to buy me food and he got me this BOMB ass salad. It is so filling and delicious af. I’m extremely grateful for his kindness.
Saturday we have a date to meet with a good friend who will help me write my resumé. I’m looking for a job in the field of social work. One of my stepping stones to becoming a life coach.
Gotta pay for school somehow, right? Life coaching schools don’t typically offer financial aid.
This is a turning point in my life. I’m really looking forward to moving upward and onward.❤
I just want to know what it is that makes a person feel as if they have the right to have an opinion about another person’s relationship.
I swear, I’m gonna go off on the next person that tells me what MY husband “needs to be doin”.
I mean, I’m sorry but I didn’t realize you were in this relationship too, bitch! I didn’t realize you were in the bed with us. I didn’t realize you had a part in making these two beautiful babies. I must have missed the part where you fed me or dicked me down the way I need it, or took care of my kids, or cleaned my house?
I’m so very sorry for being so inconsiderate of your feelings as being a part of this relationship.
Is that what you want to hear? Because if not, I see no reason why the fuck you think you got a right to even have an opinion on whether or not MY husband is doing his job in OUR relationship.
And if you ask me how we’re doing and I tell you with a smile on my face that he is doing everything I need him to fuckin do and that I couldn’t be happier, then bitch, there shouldn’t be a damn thing else you need to be saying other than, “That’s wonderful to hear. I’m so happy for you two.”
I finally have not one damn problem left in my relationship with my husband. Why can’t people just leave us the fuck alone?
If you’ve been following along with my on-again/on-again journey to getting fit and healthy, you’ll notice I’m a hot freakin mess. I’ll start and go at it hardcore for a couple days and tell myself, “This time, I’m going to transform into the super healthy, fitness junkie I know is sleeping inside of me!”
Then I putter out and I give into the negative self-talk.
Well, I realized there are a lot more things to address than just making sure I work out everyday or what have you.
I noticed my spine is completely out of alignment. That “neck hump” was starting to form from years of bad posture due to low self-esteem. It’s still really small. I call it my humpling. And I realized it’s due to the poor alignment that I’m not getting the results I want from my workouts. Well, that and my poor eating habits. Then there’s the extra pain and soreness that comes from it. When I work my core or my back or try to do yoga, a lot of movements are extremely painful. Now, I’m aware of why.
Then there’s the lack of sleep from the insomnia. It’s hard to workout with NO energy. And that can be linked back to my poor eating habits. And that, in turn can be linked back to the depression.
Depression is a serious, asshole. Pardon my French but there are no polite words to describe the way depression will change my appetite and my taste. Like, when it’s in full swing, I have to choke down healthy foods but I eat junk with no problems.
Then there’s the matter of the fact that I absolutely abhor doing any kind of workout or yoga practice in front of my husband. I just keep waiting for him to talk smack about my lack of flexibility or strength. I feel anxious, wondering if he’s looking at me. I can’t look at him. I’m afraid I’ll look up and see him looking at me with disgust or disappointment.
And the thing is, I don’t know how much of this all in my head and how much is how he actually looks at me.
And the only place I can workout in privacy is my son’s room. But not when he’s on punishment. Jacques just lectured me about that.
So, now I’m sitting here on my yoga mat while my husband sits on the bed playing a videogame, after having attempted to do some yoga for about two minutes before giving up.
It’s just so embarrassing. I don’t want him to see me.
What if I look stupid to him? What if I turn him off?
What if the YouTube videos I’m following along with annoy him or distract him and put him in a bad mood?
I’m so sick of feeling so damn insecure. I hate this so much.
Okay, I’m gonna try again. I can do this.
And succeed or fail, I’m definitely going to blog about this experience. My heart is pounding already and I’m on he brink of tears.
I hate this feeling but I hate feeling unhealthy and tired all the time even more.
*takes a deep breath. lets a few tears fall and quickly wipes them away*
Alright. Let’s do this.
Today’s Workout: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLj3Y2mC3NQ6M1B3tboJJ8JmlEebvdXtCy