Why Doesn’t No Mean No?

Why do I have to fight?  Why do I have to physically hurt you or kill you for you to get the hint?
Why do I have to keep getting reasons to be a man-hating, castrating bitch?
Why do you act like I’m wrong for telling you No?  Why am I treated like the bad guy?  Why can’t you accept that I don’t want to give you a hug?  Why can’t you just be okay with me not wanting you to kiss me?  Even on the cheek?
No, I don’t want to show you my stomach!  No, I don’t want to wear your shirt!  No, it doesn’t have anything to do with my husband!  I just don’t want to fuck you!  I don’t find you attractive!  No, not even if you paid me!  ESPECIALLY if you paid me!  Even if I was single, I wouldn’t want you!
Why do I have to feel like I have to take your life in order to stop you from doing what you want to me?
What the hell is wrong with you?  Is it that hard to understand that I don’t give a fuck about how hard you are?  Or how much money you have?  Or how long it’s been since you got some?  Is it so fucking hard to understand that it is NOT my fucking duty to “take care of you”?!
I hate you.  I hate you with eveything I have.
Please kill yourself.

Rebel Without a Cause

I was watching Gilmore Girls for the umpteen millionth time and had a thought occur to me.
Lorelei is just as close-minded and judgmental as Emily.  The only difference is she’s into different things.  She’s just as unwilling to be okay with anything outside of her comfort zone as Emily.  In some ways even more so.
And because of this, I noticed that the only time Lorelei and Rory ever have a disagreement is when Rory wanted to venture outside of Lorelei’s comfort zone.
It reminded me of this one family on and episode of Wife Swap that I watched because the two families were so drastically different that I wanted to see how it went.
Well, one family was totally gothed/punked out.  They were like a modern day Addams Family.  The other family was completely conventional.  Preppy, you could definitely say.
Like the people in the summer camp in Addams Family Values.
Anyway, what I witnessed in the swapping of these wives was anything like what I expected.
The preppy family was a lot more flexible and open to trying the new things that the Munster Mom was suggesting.  But the Munster Family was having none of what Preppy Mom was bringing to the table.
And all the while, it turned out the daughter in the Munster Family was into a lot of popular things.  She liked magazines and fashion and trendy clothes and pop music.  But she felt like she couldn’t be herself out of fear that her family would mock her relentlessly and wouldn’t accept her.
I’ve noticed this a lot in life in general.
You would think that in Oklahoma or Tennessee, I would find more Christian families that were rainbow flag burning, picket sign holding, hate mongers.  But I didn’t find that much of that.  In fact, I saw more christians who were totally okay with all people in the LBGT community.  They themselves had family members who were gay or bi and loved them completely and unconditionally “the way Jesus does” they told me.  But then moving back over to to the east coast.  Living here in DC.  I have heard the word “faggot” more times in one day than I have heard in years.  I have heard and witnessed more homophobia than I have in years.
It was total culture shock.  I forgot this is the same kind of crap I grew up hearing all the time in Pennsylvania.
My husband could wear anything he wanted living on Oklahoma and no one said a word.  But out here?  He can’t rock a pair of skinny jeans without people making fun of him.
Damnit, I like his sexy legs in skinny jeans.  But everyone out here talks shit.  Why?  Cuz you’re potato-shaped ass can’t pull this off?  Hate is so annoying.

My point is, in my life as an outsider, I’ve found the the most judgmental people are those that don’t fit the status quo.  The freaks who stand out from the crowd, who let their freak flags fly.
We tell everyone that if they fit the status quo, they’re a sellout.  We say if they like anything popular, they have no depth.  We say if they’re not like us, they’re part of the problem.
But isn’t that the exact kind of message we’re supposedly rebelling against in the first place?

Not Forgotten

I just saw a commercial for those command picture hangers.  You know, those things that stick to the back of the picture frame and they stick to the wall.
Well, anyway it had MC Hanner in it and it actually made me smile.  It’s good to see him getting a paying gig. 

A Small(BIG) Kindness

image

I was out singing today and I asked this guy for a light of my half a cig and he offered to buy me food and he got me this BOMB ass salad.  It is so filling and delicious af.  I’m extremely grateful for his kindness.
#peoplecanbeawesome
Saturday we have a date to meet with a good friend who will help me write my resumé.  I’m looking for a job in the field of social work.  One of my stepping stones to becoming a life coach.
Gotta pay for school somehow, right?  Life coaching schools don’t typically offer financial aid.
This is a turning point in my life.  I’m really looking forward to moving upward and onward.❤

What Have You Done for Me Lately?

I just want to know what it is that makes a person feel as if they have the right to have an opinion about another person’s relationship.
I swear, I’m gonna go off on the next person that tells me what MY husband “needs to be doin”.
I mean, I’m sorry but I didn’t realize you were in this relationship too, bitch!  I didn’t realize you were in the bed with us.  I didn’t realize you had a part in making these two beautiful babies.  I must have missed the part where you fed me or dicked me down the way I need it, or took care of my kids, or cleaned my house?
I’m so very sorry for being so inconsiderate of your feelings as being a part of this relationship.

Is that what you want to hear?  Because if not, I see no reason why the fuck you think you got a right to even have an opinion on whether or not MY husband is doing his job in OUR relationship.
And if you ask me how we’re doing and I tell you with a smile on my face that he is doing everything I need him to fuckin do and that I couldn’t be happier, then bitch, there shouldn’t be a damn thing else you need to be saying other than, “That’s wonderful to hear. I’m so happy for you two.”

I finally have not one damn problem left in my relationship with my husband.  Why can’t people just leave us the fuck alone?

Obstacles in my Journey to Fitness

If you’ve been following along with my on-again/on-again journey to getting fit and healthy, you’ll notice I’m a hot freakin mess. I’ll start and go at it hardcore for a couple days and tell myself, “This time, I’m going to transform into the super healthy, fitness junkie I know is sleeping inside of me!”
Then I putter out and I give into the negative self-talk.
Well, I realized there are a lot more things to address than just making sure I work out everyday or what have you.
I noticed my spine is completely out of alignment.  That “neck hump” was starting to form from years of bad posture due to low self-esteem.  It’s still really small.  I call it my humpling.  And I realized it’s due to the poor alignment that I’m not getting the results I want from my workouts.  Well, that and my poor eating habits.  Then there’s the extra pain and soreness that comes from it.  When I work my core or my back or try to do yoga, a lot of movements are extremely painful.  Now, I’m aware of why.
Then there’s the lack of sleep from the insomnia.  It’s hard to workout with NO energy.  And that can be linked back to my poor eating habits.  And that, in turn can be linked back to the depression.
Depression is a serious, asshole.  Pardon my French but there are no polite words to describe the way depression will change my appetite and my taste.  Like, when it’s in full swing, I have to choke down healthy foods but I eat junk with no problems.
Then there’s the matter of the fact that I absolutely abhor doing any kind of workout or yoga practice in front of my husband.  I just keep waiting for him to talk smack about my lack of flexibility or strength.  I feel anxious, wondering if he’s looking at me.  I can’t look at him.  I’m afraid I’ll look up and see him looking at me with disgust or disappointment.
And the thing is, I don’t know how much of this all in my head and how much is how he actually looks at me.
And the only place I can workout in privacy is my son’s room.  But not when he’s on punishment.  Jacques just lectured me about that.
So, now I’m sitting here on my yoga mat while my husband sits on the bed playing a videogame, after having attempted to do some yoga for about two minutes before giving up.
It’s just so embarrassing.  I don’t want him to see me.
What if I look stupid to him?  What if I turn him off?
What if the YouTube videos I’m following along with annoy him or distract him and put him in a bad mood?

I’m so sick of feeling so damn insecure.  I hate this so much.
Okay, I’m gonna try again.  I can do this.
And succeed or fail, I’m definitely going to blog about this experience.  My heart is pounding already and I’m on he brink of tears.
I hate this feeling but I hate feeling unhealthy and tired all the time even more.
*takes a deep breath. lets a few tears fall and quickly wipes them away*

Alright.  Let’s do this.

Today’s Workout: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLj3Y2mC3NQ6M1B3tboJJ8JmlEebvdXtCy

Wonder Women

This is the kind of thing I have in my news feed on facebook.  It’s my motivation.

image

What I like about this particular picture of Erin Stern is that she’s using the Wonder Woman outfit.  Why I like it?  Because realistically, this is the kind of muscle definition Wonder Woman would have in real life.

image

[Andreia Brazier]

You don’t train with those heavy swords, spears, shields and arrows and whatnot without building a ton of definition and strength. And that’s aside from the superhuman strength she possess.  If her body behaves like a human’s body (she eats, she sleeps, she goes to the bathroom…) then the muscles would come with that.
I love it.  I just wish Hollywood could understand they need to pick actresses who look physically strong to play her.
Even in the comics, I’ve seen her with a six pack.  What makes Wonder Woman so awesome is that she has a body that is achievable.  And what I love about Erin Stern is that she demonstrates that.
And she is by far not the only strong-bodied woman I follow nor that is even out there.  I’m just using her as an example because of the Wonder Woman picture.

image

[Sophia Thiel]

Now, I’m about to take over my son’s room like I did before by cleaning it and organizing it to be my at-home workout space.  He loved it when I did that before.  We ended up playing A LOT and I felt so much closer to him.
And I might as well do it now before he gets old enough to want his own space.
I want so badly to be strong bodied and healthy.  And seeing these women in my facebook news feed really inspires me.  I can’t look at them or their motivating posts or advice or anything without feeling the urge to get up and do something about it.

image

[Narmin Assria]

Don’t me wrong, I’ve finally achieved real love and appreciation for my body as it is.  My desire isn’t to “look like them” or achieve someone else’s standard of the “perfect” body.

image

[Narmin Assria again]

I have just always wanted to know what it feels like to have energy.  To have stamina and strength.  To not be constantly tired or sluggish.  To maintain a steady body temperature even!

image

[Sophia Thiel again]

I want to feel confident that if I ever had to run away to save myself or carry my kids to safety, I could.
I knew this feeling once.  When I got out of Air Force boot camp.  But the fact that they sent me home and wouldn’t let me graduate, sent me into a deep depression and I didn’t want to be bothered with taking care of myself, let alone living(of course there was a lot more factors that added to that).  And I let myself go.  I don’t want to feel like this anymore.  I hate it.
I hate depression.  Depression wants me to kill myself.  But I don’t.  I want to live.  I want to have fun.  I want to be happy, damnit!
There’s a saying that I came up with for my husband that I’ve observed being around him; “The sky is blue, the grass is green and Jacques gets what he wants.”
In other words, it’s just a simple fact of life that he will get what he wants.  There’s nothing you a do to change it.  The grass will always be green even if it doesn’t look green in certain light.  The sky is blue even if it takes on different hues in the morning and evening.  And no matter how it seems in the moment, in the end Jacques will always get what he wants.
I’ve decided to start applying that to myself.  I mean, I’ve seen the massive boost to his confidence it gave him.  So, why can’t it just be a fact that Jacqueline gets what she wants?  I’m just as deserving of happiness as he is.  Or anyone else for that matter.

The sky is blue, the grass is green and Jacqueline gets what she wants.

And what I want is to be happy and healthy and strong.
And the same goes for you, my friend.

The sky is blue, the grass is green and YOU get what you want.