I just want to say I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO very sorry to deserting you guys!  This is what I hate about depression.  It robs me of everything and with this whole battle of trying to get my kids back and put my whole family back together, then consenting to my aunt adopting them, then getting even more depressed from that, I just haven’t wanted to talk to anyone or be around anyone or even be alive really.

There’s just been so much going on, I don’t even want to update you on everything.  It all just makes me so miserable just to think about.  But I will update you on what’s happening currently.

Right now, I’m 21 weeks pregnant with a beautiful baby girl.  Same father as her older siblings.  I don’t know if I posted anything about the job I had last year working at the front desk of that condominium but I quit that miserable job that was actually causing me to gain weight like crazy.  I quit back in September and haven’t worked since.

But I’m currently looking for a job.  I would have been looking sooner but at first it was because I too depressed to even function at the bare minimum requirements of self care.  But then it was because of that and the debilitating morning sickness caused by my darling unborn child.  It was so bad, I could barely stand in the shower for more than five minutes before getting sick and dizzy and having to get out.  It was so bad I could barely hold anything down.  I ended up losing 14 pounds during that time.  The sickness lasted until somewhere around the end of March.  That was pure freaking hell and I’m glad to be feeling like myself again.

My goal is to get a job.  Then start school at the National Personal Training Institute next April.  Then once I graduate, look for a gym to work at closer to where the kids live with my aunt.  Then adopt them back again and move them in with me.

I don’t see Jacques being a part of that equation at this point.  And that hurts because I really wanted a family with him.  I still wanted at least one more child after this one too.  And I don’t want children by anyone else.  Hell, I don’t even want to be with anyone else after him.  There’s too much risk of the children getting hurt by the new guy whether it be physically or emotionally.  I just won’t put them at risk for that.  It’s not worth it.

So, I just see myself living the single mom life from here on out.

And moving on before I start to cry…………….

I’m not happy with my decisions as far as the adoption.  I’m not even close to being happy with it.  But I’m working on accepting it for what it is.  I keep telling myself it’s for the best.  I keep telling myself it’s just better that way.  But it still hurts.

Okay, anyway, I think that’s about everything currently going on.  I’ll be posting more often now that I’ve gotten all the sad, awkward updates out of the way.

I love you all so very much.  Keep positive and know that so far you’ve survived 100% of all your bad days.