If you’ve been following along with my on-again/off-again journey to getting fit and healthy, you’ll notice I’m a hot freakin mess. I’ll start and go at it hardcore for a couple days and tell myself, “This time, I’m going to transform into the super healthy, fitness junkie I know is sleeping inside of me!”
Then I putter out and I give into the negative self-talk.
Well, I realized there are a lot more things to address than just making sure I work out everyday or what have you.
I noticed my spine is completely out of alignment. That “neck hump” was starting to form from years of bad posture due to low self-esteem. It’s still really small. I call it my humpling. And I realized it’s due to the poor alignment that I’m not getting the results I want from my workouts. Well, that and my poor eating habits. Then there’s the extra pain and soreness that comes from it. When I work my core or my back or try to do yoga, a lot of movements are extremely painful. Now, I’m aware of why.
Then there’s the lack of sleep from the insomnia. It’s hard to workout with NO energy. And that can be linked back to my poor eating habits. And that, in turn can be linked back to the depression.
Depression is a serious, asshole. Pardon my French but there are no polite words to describe the way depression will change my appetite and my taste. Like, when it’s in full swing, I have to choke down healthy foods but I eat junk with no problems.
Then there’s the matter of the fact that I absolutely abhor doing any kind of workout or yoga practice in front of my husband. I just keep waiting for him to talk smack about my lack of flexibility or strength. I feel anxious, wondering if he’s looking at me. I can’t look at him. I’m afraid I’ll look up and see him looking at me with disgust or disappointment.
And the thing is, I don’t know how much of this all in my head and how much is how he actually looks at me.
And the only place I can workout in privacy is my son’s room. But not when he’s on punishment. Jacques just lectured me about that.
So, now I’m sitting here on my yoga mat while my husband sits on the bed playing a videogame, after having attempted to do some yoga for about two minutes before giving up.
It’s just so embarrassing. I don’t want him to see me.
What if I look stupid to him? What if I turn him off?
What if the YouTube videos I’m following along with annoy him or distract him and put him in a bad mood?
I’m so sick of feeling so damn insecure. I hate this so much.
Okay, I’m gonna try again. I can do this.
And succeed or fail, I’m definitely going to blog about this experience. My heart is pounding already and I’m on he brink of tears.
I hate this feeling but I hate feeling unhealthy and tired all the time even more.
*takes a deep breath. lets a few tears fall and quickly wipes them away*
Alright. Let’s do this.