I just realized today that I don’t need my husband. For anything. I don’t need him to provide for me. I don’t need him to do any “manly” chores around the house. I don’t even need him to provide immaterial things like comfort or security.
I figured this out the hard way. Basically, on a consistent basis, he’s not there for me and he doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do most of the time. Waiting for him to do something he says he’s going to do “in a little bit” or “right after he…” is just a practice in futility. He’s not going to do it any time soon. He doesn’t care about when I’d like something done or even when it actually needs to be done. Which means deadlines mean nothing to him…. with one exception; if it’s something that serve his immediate needs.
Notice the emphasis on the word “immediate” meaning, he couldn’t care less about the long term. And By long term, I mean he considers one or two days down the road to be long term.
Now, why do I stay with him? you might ask.
It’s simple really. I love the poor slob.
I do. He may be a selfish, inconsiderate sack of garbage but I love him. He may just be taking up space in my life, and very well pretty much ruined my life. But I love him.
And he’s actually a lot better than he used to be.
Like, oh my god, if you knew how much worse he was, there’d be no questioning my sanity. You’d know for sure I was out of my mind.
So why stay with someone who serves no good purpose in my life? you might ask.
Well, he does serve a good purpose in my life. And I in his.
He has proven to me time and again that I’m not as bad I thought I was and been the mirror to show the things I actually need to work on.
I know that sounds messed up but it’s true. I see in him a lot of ways I don’t want to be. The selfish, inconsiderate slob is the kind of person I really don’t want to be. And I try to work on that every single day no matter what. And really that’s about it. Every little deplorable habit he possesses stem from that initial flaw of selfishness.
He has a few redeeming qualities. One of them being that he actually shows that he cares by growing slowly over time. He may still be the second(or maybe tied for third) most selfish person I’ve ever known in my life but he’s shown a lot of growth over the years. That means he must care. If he didn’t he wouldn’t bother even trying. That means a lot. And I mean a lot.
Especially considering why he became that way in the first place. I’m the first woman he’s ever been with who didn’t cheat on him . I’m also the first one not to try and control him with money. I’m also the first one who hasn’t been stingy with everything. I mean seriously, if two people in a relationship both smoke weed, and they both eat and they both work and they both freakin care about each other, then there shouldn’t be a problem with sharing, right? I just don’t see what their problem was. Oh, they made more at their jobs than he did at his. Big deal. Does that have to mean he deserves less while he watches you enjoy more? Is he your fucking roommate or your boyfriend? I mean, come on! Let some man try to treat them that way and they’d have a damn conniption. And that’s not even the tip of the iceburg. This man has been through hell and back and he’s still basically living like he’s still there because that’s all he’s ever known. Now he could continue to use that as an excuse to never change even a little and live the rest of his life wallowing in self-pity but he’s not (anymore).
Anyway, I’m losing my point here with all this rambling. So, my point is, the man didn’t get this way on his own and he’s not going to get better on his own either.
I have been able to help him even though I didn’t notice until recently.
That brings me to the second reason I stay with him; I’m pretty much forced to go beyond my limits in pretty much every area of my life. Pushing myself to be a mother to our toddler and doing my best to be the better example (which I’ve been failing at with this pregnancy and the mood swings that make me want to slit his throat in his sleep in the middle of the goddamn day). Being the homemaker and the breadwinner at the same time.
I’m basically on a severe power trip that he’s sent me on with his deadbeat behavior.
So, I have some advice to you, my wonderful Wonderlings. If you’re lucky enough to have a partner that carries 80-90% of the load in your relationship, you’d better do more than just appreciate all that they do. You’d better so it. Not just every now and then but every single day. Because no matter how strong they seem, no matter how much they seem to be able to handle, they’re still people. And all people strong, weak and everything in between need to hear words of encouragement and words of affirmation coming from someone outside themselves.
Take it from a strong woman who could really use them right about now.