So, I recently came across some articles about people with something called Binge Eating Disorder. And I started to wonder about it, so I looked up some info on it.
What’s strange about my new findings is this comes to me after writing about my struggle and dysfunctional relationship with food. Yes, I binge a lot. But I also starve myself a lot. But I don’t throw it up ever. I like that feeling of being full too much. It feels comforting. Even when my stomach is hurting so badly I can’t even stand it.
I don’t fit quite into description I found on WebMD for this disorder. So, I don’t think that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. But it does bother me to know that there might be some underlying problem that makes me starve and binge but never truly eat.
One of those reasons is definitely the ridicule I get for being natural thin. Like being black automatically means I’m supposed to have a big fat ass and tits. And I get I’m not gonna lie, that has whittled my self-esteem and body image to nothing before I even entered adulthood.
Because I do want to be healthy, I really do. But people tend to treat me like crap just because I’m thin. Like my slender body offends them. So, I binge to put on weight. And that used to not stick at all. Now I’ve have a kid and another on the way and I’m still getting the cm belittling comments from peopl. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. And I’m also the most miserable I’ve ever been in my body.
I’ve always starved myself as a way of punishing myself for giving in to what the people around me want. I would keep telling myself how stupid and weak it was to change who I am just to please people that didn’t even like me and that I wasn’t exactly big fans of either. I would start a workout routine and it never felt like enough. I blamed myslf. “I must be doin it wrong.” “Why is that chick over there sweating so hard and I’m not?” “I’m not exhausted; I didn’t push myself hard enough.” “Well, I guess that means dinner will be late tonight. No sense in putting more food in me if I haven’t burned up everything in me.”
I don’t want to be so weak anymore. I really don’t. I want to not care at all what people think of my appearance. Mainly because I want to be a great example of health and beauty to my beautiful, flawless daughter. I want her to have a realistic sense of her appearance. I want her to see how beautiful she is. Not to be arrogant or full of herself but simply confident. If there’s anything about her looks she wants to change, I want it to be because she wants to just because. Not because of peer or societal pressures.
I want her to love herself the way I’m trying to learn how to love myself. Basically, I want to raise her into a strong, confident, humble, compassionate, and passionate woman with a mind of her own that changes only when she chooses to change it.
We need more women out there in the world like that. And I want to be one of them. For my daughter.
I’m going to get through this. And I will become the life coach I know I’m meant to be so I can help more people realize it’s no too late for them to be as awesome as they wish they were.
I’ll keep y’all posted. In the meantime, anyone know of any good blogs to follow that are about healthy eating, natural home remedies and beauty products or anything else along those lines? I’m starting to read to fast through my subscriptions and I’m fiending for more. So, if you know of any, please post a link in the comment section.