When I was a smoker, I was a stress smoker. For some odd reason happiness triggers a lot of anxiety in me. When it’s my happiness, the sheer terror of when it will all come crashing down around me ensues. Followed by beating myself up and telling myself to just relax and enjoy it. Followed by thoughts of, “What about how upset my happiness would make other people?” And then things usually come to a head and I end up looking like a total spaz which turns into a whole nother spiral of anxiety which usually leads to random thoughts of the people in my past who hurt me in me just because they couldn’t stand to see me happy. Then next thing you know, I’m angry as all hell and snapping at everyone and wanting to be left alone.
Yeah, I know. I’m a train wreck but I’m working on it.
Well, I started using cigarettes as my way of preventing myself from spazzing out and then as a reward for successfully not spazzing out.
Then I guess I was just self-medicating with cigarette. But that didn’t exactly help, so I ended up drinking. A lot. Like a whole lot.
Then when I quit all that, I turned back to food. The thing I have the worst relationship with. In my life, I’ve had a lot of bad relationships and so-called friendships but the one I have with food has been the most dysfunctional. Even more than with my screwed up parents.
I would only eat healthy if I succeeded in keeping my anxiety to myself as best I can. And I’d eat junk. It was always junk. Anything from Taco Bell being the number one go-to. My orders for just myself were no less than $20 each time.
And when I decided to start cutting costs, I started making my own junk food at home. Cakes, pies, tacos, burritoes, mozzarella sticks, chicken tenders, popcorn chicken, chili-dogs, fries, fully loaded twice baked potatoes. Basically, any bar food or fast food you can think off. Oh and subs. Lots of super unhealthy, super stacked subs.
But this was always the problem. I like being healthy. And this made me feel unhealthy and weak. And this was always the problem before which is what made me turn to smoking in the first place when I learned it could be used as a hunger suppressant.
The cycle goes like that. I treat my body like a garbage disposal for awhile because I feel bad, then I feel worse. Then I decide to get healthy and that’s where even more dysfunction comes into play. I end up only eating when I think I deserve it. And I end up still feeling so hungry even after I’ve filled up with something healthy. So, after a few days of working out hardcore and only eating healthy and feeling like I’m starving, I binge to my heart’s discontent.
I definitely don’t want to go back to smoking again down the road, so I’m going to start addressing his issue now.
And tomorrow is my weekly appointment so, it’s great timing.
Wish me luck! I’ll keep y’all posted on how my progress with that goes as well.
In the meantime, I spilled my guts to you, now it’s your turn. What’s your biggest, seemingly innocent vice that you just wish you could get rid of? Let me know in the comments!
I join you at the table for bingers. I think many of us are just like you. We think, over think, then do it some more. Self sabotage is a difficult thing to shake but I promise you are not alone❤️
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Thanks. It’s a bittersweet thing to not be alone in this. On the one hand it’s great not to be alone. On the other, it sucks that we all keep doing this to ourselves.
And since we’re not doing anything illegal or hurting anyone else, it’s hard to find the kind of help and support we desperately need. That’s why I want to be a life coach to help more people like me in the world. (Once I’ve helped myself of course. Gotta climb out of the hole before I can throw a rope down.)
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Thats why I share the good, the bad and the ugly. We are really all the same. We go through the same kind of things and share the same kind of feelings. It connects people on a different level I think. Keep climbing my friend 😉
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I absolutely crave the little debbies swiss rolls! I’ve been keeping away from them…but I feel that I can’t get enough. I notice that when I start working out and eating healthy, thoughts of these little delicious cakes keep coming to mind. I wish that I could just get rid of them altogether lol. I say this because I can’t eat just one…I normally eat half of the box in one sitting. #help
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I admire your restraint at stopping at only half the box in a sitting. I often get disappointed when I go back for more and there’s only one or two left and then the cycle continues.
I don’t know where to go from here but I think acknowledging the problem is the first step (as clichéd as that sounds lol).
I for one am excited at the thought of embracing this new challenge of finally defeating a lifelong struggle.
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Good luck to you as well! 🙂
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