When I was a smoker, I was a stress smoker. For some odd reason happiness triggers a lot of anxiety in me. When it’s my happiness, the sheer terror of when it will all come crashing down around me ensues. Followed by beating myself up and telling myself to just relax and enjoy it. Followed by thoughts of, “What about how upset my happiness would make other people?” And then things usually come to a head and I end up looking like a total spaz which turns into a whole nother spiral of anxiety which usually leads to random thoughts of the people in my past who hurt me in me just because they couldn’t stand to see me happy. Then next thing you know, I’m angry as all hell and snapping at everyone and wanting to be left alone.
Yeah, I know. I’m a train wreck but I’m working on it.
Well, I started using cigarettes as my way of preventing myself from spazzing out and then as a reward for successfully not spazzing out.
Then I guess I was just self-medicating with cigarette. But that didn’t exactly help, so I ended up drinking. A lot. Like a whole lot.
Then when I quit all that, I turned back to food. The thing I have the worst relationship with. In my life, I’ve had a lot of bad relationships and so-called friendships but the one I have with food has been the most dysfunctional. Even more than with my screwed up parents.
I would only eat healthy if I succeeded in keeping my anxiety to myself as best I can. And I’d eat junk. It was always junk. Anything from Taco Bell being the number one go-to. My orders for just myself were no less than $20 each time.
And when I decided to start cutting costs, I started making my own junk food at home. Cakes, pies, tacos, burritoes, mozzarella sticks, chicken tenders, popcorn chicken, chili-dogs, fries, fully loaded twice baked potatoes. Basically, any bar food or fast food you can think off. Oh and subs. Lots of super unhealthy, super stacked subs.
But this was always the problem. I like being healthy. And this made me feel unhealthy and weak. And this was always the problem before which is what made me turn to smoking in the first place when I learned it could be used as a hunger suppressant.
The cycle goes like that. I treat my body like a garbage disposal for awhile because I feel bad, then I feel worse. Then I decide to get healthy and that’s where even more dysfunction comes into play. I end up only eating when I think I deserve it. And I end up still feeling so hungry even after I’ve filled up with something healthy. So, after a few days of working out hardcore and only eating healthy and feeling like I’m starving, I binge to my heart’s discontent.
I definitely don’t want to go back to smoking again down the road, so I’m going to start addressing his issue now.
And tomorrow is my weekly appointment so, it’s great timing.
Wish me luck! I’ll keep y’all posted on how my progress with that goes as well.
In the meantime, I spilled my guts to you, now it’s your turn. What’s your biggest, seemingly innocent vice that you just wish you could get rid of? Let me know in the comments!