“Don’t talk to that person. I don’t trust them not to try something.”
“Anybody touch what’s mine and I’ll set them straight.”
“You belong to me.”
“He/She is my property.”
These are all the kinds of things we hear the big bad guy in those Lifetime movies say to their spouses. These guys are painted as abusive because of the way they brutally beat their wives. They were controlling too. If the guy didn’t like the way another guy was looking at his woman, then he got pissed. And god forbid the woman smile at being given a compliment. Then her abuser feels the need to “set her straight” or “put her in check”
He goes through her phone to make sure she isn’t talking to anyone he doesn’t want her to. He makes sure she isn’t saying to much about what’s between the two of them to the few people with whom he does allow her contact.
He tracks her whereabouts. He knows how long it’s supposed to take her to get to and from work, to walk the dog (only on the route he pre-approved of course). He checks on her frequently to make sure she stays in line. He controls the way she dresses (who you getting dressed up for?).
It’s infuriating just writing about it. And yet there are only minute differences between this guy and the way most people act when it comes to being in a committed relationship.
They wonder if their partner is interested in their attractive co-worker. They worry about whether or not they’re flirting with their friends. Men get slapped for checking out another woman’s physique. Women get called sluts and whores for appreciating the attractiveness of someone else or dressing “too provocatively” for their partner’s liking.
And what’s considered to provocative? Pretty much anything that shows any amount of skin or cleavage or clings in any of the right places.
Men and women alike talk about how they’d beat the ass of anyone who “messed with their man/woman”. Sounds like something that abusive husband from the Lifetime movies would do to me.
I just honestly feel that forcing the feeling of obligation and the fear of looking at other people adds a layer of insincerity to relationships.
I’m speaking from a place where I let my husband do whatever he wants (I’d only be pissed if he messed around with someone ugly in spirit, got someone else pregnant or caught something).
I don’t apply the same freedoms to myself because I’m already partied out before I decided to settle down with Jacques. I no longer desire to lie with anyone else but him. As for him? His sexual past isn’t nearly as sordid as mine, so he still has urges (honestly I’m pretty sure he could’ve gotten laid a lot more often if he wasn’t so picky) so, I don’t see anything wrong with giving him the freedom to do what he wants and seize whatever opportunities catch his fancy.
The result? In five years he’s only gotten laid by someone other than me a hand full of times. Period. Oh he’s had mad opportunities but he only indulged in those few.
And of course I’m always asked, “How do you know?” to which I always reply, “What do I care? (Or you for that matter?)”
I don’t mean to be crass but I honestly don’t feel the need to know what my husband’s penis is doing at all hours of the day and night. I’ve got my own set up to worry about. And honestly if more women concerned themselves as much with their own genitals as they do about their partners’, then Summer’s Eve would see a huge increase in sales and Monistat would see a huge decrease. I’m just saying.
And about this point in the conversation, it’s been brought up by the other person,”What if he gives you something?” to which I usually reply that’s where trust comes into play. There are two actions that are impossible to do at the same time and those are, trusting someone completely and worrying what they’re doing all the time.
And then the other party usually says something to the effect of “Well, it’s not so much him/her I don’t trust, it’s those dirty hos out there I don’t trust.”
Well, honestly, that’s when I bring your insecurities into question. I ask myself these questions: if he’s willing to have sex with someone who is dirty, or had an ugly attitude, that speaks for his standards. And if his standards are that low, what does that say about how he sees me?
Obviously, it’s no reflection of who you are as a person but in some cases it speaks volumes about how he/she feels about you. The latter was true in my first marriage.
But I’m digressing. I’ve also noticed a pattern among said “dirty hos” we all seem to be worried about. I’ve noticed when he tells women that seem to be interested that he has permission to do what he wants, they lose interest.
Like all the thrill of sleeping with a married man loses its thrill if the wife isn’t getting pissed about it. That tells me that these “dirty hos” aren’t actually interested in anyone else’s spouse but in hurting the other person.
And I don’t even have to be involved in it. This isn’t a “my wife promised me a three-way” sort of situation. It’s very simply a man exercising his autonomy by seizing an opportunity to have safe sex with another consenting adult.
What in the hell is wrong with that? My husband and I respect our bodies and each other’s, so there’s no worries of him “slipping up” and catching something because we have always been super careful even before we got together.
So, someone explain to me outside of religious reasons why a relationship has to be monogamous.
I just don’t see why that has to be the rule. I don’t think it’s fair to force it on anyone.
And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with monogamy as long as that’s how both partners want it. But if it’s not what both partners want, then the one who wants an open relationship should be honest about that from the beginning and the other shouldn’t judge them for it or pursue a relationship with the hopes of “changing” them. Or as some would put it, “taming their wild ways” or some mess like that.
Just stop forcing monogamy. If you’re ready to be monogamous and settle down and all that, that’s fine. If not, that’s fine too. But forcing each other into any sort of lifestyle(whether it be monogamy, polygamy, or polyamorousness) is just plain abusive and just another form of projecting our own I securities and/or values onto another person and that is just plain abusive.