I saw something on tv. It was like an infomercial. It was about ADD and how there’s 7 different types.
Long story short, I want to look into it. I feel that I may have what they called “Inattentive ADD” because every single detail of the symptoms and warning signs have been a struggle for me my entire life.
One of them was the inability to just get over things. We hold onto everything. And I mean E V E-R Y T H I N G. And it’s true. I still have angry and hurt feelings over things that happened way back in the third grade. Even the first and second grades. And when I get angry about the same types of issues or similar instances that happen in my present, I get way more upset than the situation might warrant.
Right now is one of those times. I’m very angry. I feel violently angry. Like the guy who pissed me off should have his jaw broken for speaking to me that way when I didn’t deserve it. He treated me like just placing the goddamn work order for maintenance in my unit here in this fucking shelter, I’ve done something wrong.
He acted like a fucking toddler that’s been put on time out. Kept rolling his eyes, talking over me, talking down to me like I’ve done something wrong or like I’m fucking stupid.
It pissed me off. And even after he was no longer part of the goddamn conversation and I was speaking to someone else entirely, he stood behind her and kept rolling his eyes and shrugging and giving me angry dirty fucking looks. And no one addressed him. No one fucking told him to leave. No one acted like he wasn’t acting like a big ass baby.
That’s the kind of behavior I was beat for as a child. Hell even as a teen. I had the message beaten into me that that’s not how adults act and it’s childish and I’m not supposed to act like that as an adult.
And it pisses me off just thinking about it. Because my mother acted like that. That grown-ass, middle-aged, sorry excuse for a fucking “man” acted like that. But when I do that, I get punished. I get in trouble. Even as a fucking adult.
Why am I always being told by people that I’m wrong, even when I’m right? That’s what pisses me off. Even when I do nothing wrong at all, I’m treated like I’m doing something wrong and that I’m a fucked up, horrible person.
I’m so sick of it. It makes absolutely no sense. When I act like a whiny, spoiled little brat who just wants their way, I get called everything but a woman of god and punished severely. But when other people do it, people act like it’s okay or they completely ignore it.
Someone tell me why the fuck I got beat or grounded growing up to tecah me these lessons that only seem to apply to me. I don’t ever see other people getting it as badly as I do when they go ape shit.
But me? Oh no. I’m just supposed to be treated like shit and like it. That’s why the guys who raped me acted like it was no big fucking deal.
“What are you screaming about?”
What the fuck did this piece of shit think I was screaming about? He was fucking raping me. And he sounded genuinely confused as to why I would have a problem with it. What the FUCK???
Me: “You raped me.”
It: “Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.”
WHAT THE FUCK????
And the guy in Florida who acted like it was all okay to just take it. Pinning me down with all 300lbs of his fat worthless ass. He thought saying nice things to me made it okay. Then when he noticed I wasn’t moving and I was crying, he had nerve enough to ask me. “What’s wrong with you?”
What is wrong with me????
That’s a good fucking question. What the hell is wrong with me that I seem to live in this world where the rules I thought applied to everyone, don’t seem to apply to anyone around me. And I don’t know why.
That’s why I’m not doing well in this world. It doesn’t make a goddamn bit of sense.
Why couldn’t I get myself an apartment when I was EXCEEDING the income requirements. Why was my “lack of rental and credit history” that much of an issue to keep me from getting my own place to live. My FIRST place to live. So many others do the same thing. Have done the same thing. And at the same age!! No 18-19 year old getting their own place for the first time, is going to have real credit history, and they won’t have rental history if it’s their FIRST FUCKING PLACE. Not unless mommy and daddy are able to set things up for them before they’re of age. OR if they’ve been emancipated for years at that point and worked on it.
Wow, that was a lot of rage and “Why me?!” going on. That’s not cool at all. Writing this out and giving into these feelings did nothing to improve my situation. In fact, all it did was drag me down further into darkness when the place I really want to live is in the light. But more on that another time. The question is, now what am I going to do about my situation now. What do I want to do? Only I know the answers to these questions. So, really, it comes down to whether or not I’ll choose to live out my truth or continue living out lies.