Alright, I am currently having one of those big cravings for a cigarette.  This sucks.

I wonder if I’m the only one who gets this weird feeling in the chest when craving a cigarette.  I actually liked the feeling of the smoke going into my lungs and that burning sensation of breathing it in then out.  Strange.

I also feel like I’ve just had too many cigs already.  Every smoker knows that feeling.  Especially if you’re like me and have had those nights of parting where you wake up the next day and wonder why the pack you bought at the beginning of the night is empty.  And then by the time, you get yourself together to go get another pack, you discover that you apparently already bought a new pack while out partying and smoked half of it already.  By now, you realize you can’t breathe and you feel like shit and your mouth tastes like an ashtray at a dive bar on karaoke night.  But you light up anyway because that’s just how strong the urge is.
That’s just me?  Okay, nevermind.  You can stop reading now.

Excuse the snarkiness but every single smoker out there feels like shit.  They all feel like shit and they either know this and choose to ignore it.  Or they acknowledge it and choose not to do anything about it.  Their reasons for choosing not to do anything about it are as varied as their reasons to start smoking to begin with.  But that doesn’t change or erase the fact that they all feel like shit.

Especially us singers.  Oh my god.  If you’re a smoker and a singer, you know the feeling.  That your voice is being squeezed.  Like your vocal cords are so dry they might disintegrate mid-song.  Or how about when you wake up and can barely talk because you smoked too much while partying the night before?
I wish I could find a karaoke place that was non-smoking….

Anyway, my point is that smokers feel like shit.  Period.  And most of them, like myself, don’t realize just how shitty they feel until they’ve stopped smoking for awhile.  That’s when your body is making its attempt clean and repair itself.  I never really stops trying.  But you only get a chance to feel the difference when you’re not smoking.
It’s just like in the old cartoons where two guys are digging a hole.  And they’re digging back to back throwing the dirt from their hole into the other guy’s hole and end up getting nowhere.

That’s basically what you’re doing when you smoke.  Your lungs are trying to clean themselves and push out all that crap and you’re just puffing away on that sweet, sweet cancer stick.

So, here I am.  Writing a blog post to wait out the urge to smoke.  And I realized something.

I don’t want to quit smoking.  More like, I’m afraid to quit smoking.

Part of my way of fighting a cigarette craving is to picture myself strong and healthy.  And I get absolutely terrified by that thought and the urge to smoke gets stronger.
Just like obese people choose to stay that way, I’m hiding behind being out of shape and the smoker’s lungs.  I’m basically wrapping myself in a cloak of tar and hiding from the world.

I know exactly where it comes from.  It comes from my fear of outshining people.  I remember when I was really little, I was good at so many things.  I had an advanced intellect, I was tall for my age, I was athletic, nimble as a ninja, strong, beautiful and talented.  And that pissed every one of my peers off.  I started getting bullied. [there was also a matter of my skin not being the right color but that just made all the above factors that much more painful. imagine being racist and getting poor grades while someone of a different color gets perfect scores on the same assignments you did.  yeah.  the pride burneth.]

I began forming a habit back then, of holding myself back.  Making sure to dumb myself down and dim my light so that no one else feels bad or has a reason to hurt me for it.  I’ve held myself back for so long.  No wonder I’m so unsatisfied with my life at this point.

See?  This is why it’s so hard for so many people to quit smoking.  It starts with something simple; “I want to quit smoking.” and ends with a comfortable seat on a couch while some jackass with a degree and a clip board listens to you whine about how everything wrong in your life now is the result of something in your childhood and not the poor choices you’ve made as an adult.

Okay, fuck that.  I don’t need a therapist to tell me there’s only one way to get over my fear of outshining people.  Just get over it and be awesome.

You too!  Just be the awesomeness you are!  And yes, I know that’s easier said than done.  But I’m here.  And you’re not alone.  We can do this!  No worries about what other people think.  And fuck the bullies!  Okay, not literally, they don’t deserve it.  But you get me.

Okay, I’ve wasted so much time writing about this.  I’ve been going back and forth between playing with the Bear, eating, watching tv, youtubing, and writing this blog post.  Hell, I even went grocery shopping and did some yoga and all kinds of things.  I started this post around noon and it’s almost 6 now.

Now, that I’m back from the store and Jiraiya needs his floor time which means I gotta go.  Crisis averted.  See ya later!