The last couple years have been very unkind to my body and mind.  What with the pregnancy and food scarcity not mixing well.  I basically stayed inactive for the entirety of my pregnancy for fear that I would use up what little food my baby was supposed to get.  I think my tactic worked too because he was born at a very healthy weight in all his strong-willed perfection.  No complications during birth other than him being anxious to get out into the world and breathing too soon.  They got him out of me through emergency c-section and he’s been healthy ever since.

Once he was out, I tried to breast feed and I was barely able to go 2 months before the milk dried up.  So, we had to switch to formula.  So, you’d think that without the dietary requirements, I’d finally go back to working out, right?  Wrong.  In fact, I remained afraid to workout because I was afraid of being hungrier than I already was because we were never sure when we could get more food and if so, how long it would last.  That was mainly because we spent the majority of our money on Jiraiya.
I started smoking again due to stress, depression and to use it as a hunger suppressant.  I know right?  Yuck!

Well, we’re finally in a better position having moved away from the snake pit that was Tulsa and back to the east coast to be amongst family.  We’ve been able to eat every day several times a day and not worry about how long the food will last and how long until we get more.  So, I’m trying to take advantage of this and get healthy again.
I’ve been trying to quit smoking.  I can go days at a time without a cigarette.  But it’s the withdrawal symptoms I’m struggling with.  I’m extremely sleepy, moody and hungry all the time.  It’s like being pregnant again.  And I did not enjoy being pregnant, not one little bit.

I hate being moody and I hate being lethargic.  And that’s the two main things that are driving me up the wall.  I’m starting up yoga again, I’m taking multivitamin supplement and calcium and a B-complex.  I’m still not completely free of tobacco but I’m not stressing it because stress is what makes me smoke in the first place.  So, I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind off of it.  It’s been working for the most part but the fatigue is what’s really killing it for me.  When I go a few days without smoking, I get lethargic and my appetite skyrockets.  But I’m still fighting to become a healthier person no matter what.  Last time I went about a week without a cigarette.  I’m going to push for ten days next time and just keep thinking, “Just one more day.” and maybe that will eventually help me to kick the habit once and for all and for myself.

And therein lies the difference.  When I quit before, it wasn’t for myself.  I quit for the health of my baby when I found out I was pregnant and when I decided to breast feed.  But I didn’t do it for me.  That’s why it was so easy to go back to it.  And I’d like to say, that that’s why some people on drugs or alcohol relapse.  Because they never did it for themselves to begin with.

Anyway, I’m going to try and get some yoga in and find some chores to do to keep me busy as I fight the urge to just lay here and sleep the day away.  With Jiraiya up and wanting to play, that shouldn’t be hard but it is when I’ve got Mr. J to help me.  For that reason alone, I salute single mothers who actually do their job.  It’s really hard and I commend you all for what you do and just know that you’re appreciated.  And I don’t mean just by your own children.  I mean by other people.  Like the kid in class who gets bullied by other kids but befriended by your kid.  Or by other parents who are afraid of the influence their kids’ peers might have on them but are glad to know they can trust their kids around yours.  Or by mothers that are part of a two-parent household, like me.  You give us inspiration to push harder, be stronger and complain less because we have help.
On that note, I say thank you single moms.  And I’ll check in with y’all later.

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