I know I haven’t written in a long time and I haven’t been as consistent as I’d like to be with my post frequency. I had a lot going on that effected my ability to express myself. And that is what the focus of this article is. The staggering power of influence, negativity and what happens when you disconnect from yourself.
I have just escaped from a terrible place. I’ve mentioned my roommate in past blog posts. Eluded if not outright whined about her negativity, greed and selfishness. Well, she turned out to be a con artist and the story of her plot has so many threads in her web it’s hard to keep up.
Her name is Nichola James. Basically, in a nutshell, she expected Mr. J to be her “love slave” or pet of some kind when she extended an invitation for him to come out to Oklahoma to stay with her and get back on his feet. So, she arranged for his ID, social security card and birth certificate to “go missing” so that he couldn’t do anything about getting a real job or a place of his own. Well, that wasn’t working out the way she planned, because in order for her plans to succeed, he needed to be the kind of man she was used to dealing with. The kind that didn’t care about her or her well-being. The kind that would be content just having her pay for drugs and other things and didn’t care if the utilities got cut off or not. That’s the farthest thing from who he is.
So, that’s when she decided to pull me into the loop. She thought I was going to fill the role of the patsy. The “fall guy”. She offered me the same chance to get on my feet as she offered him. So, what she ended up doing is treating me like I just ran over her puppy. Mental and emotional manipulation ran rampant.
I knew what she was doing and tried fighting it. Tried befriending her. Tried being a positive influence. Tried encouraging her. I even tried playing the bad guy. Nothing worked. Between her negativity and manipulation I found myself powerless against it as I allowed the negativity to consume me and turn me into a very angry, hateful and ungrateful person.
The reason I stayed was because I refused to leave Mr. J behind in that hell. He thought she cared about him. But he was wrong. I knew she didn’t because for reasons I don’t fully understand, she would tell me the truth in confidence. She told me where the money was actually going. She told me what she really thought about Mr. J. And the farthest thing from her mind at all times was her children. By her own confession, all she wanted was to have as much sex as she wanted, buy whatever she wanted and never have to work or exercise or clean anything.
Honestly, that’s what most contemporary people on the planet wants. But not everyone is out of touch with reality enough to think it’s possible without tons of hard work or being born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
Honestly, I do believe there’s good and evil in everyone. I also believe that it’s within every human being’s capacity to choose which side we’re going to let be in control. So, basically, I believe that there are no evil people or good people. Just good and evil choices.
That being said, this woman made the choice to commit evil acts and live a lifestyle similar to that of a parasite. But even though I feel like I should still be angry with her and hate her, I’m not and I don’t. At least not anymore.
I realized that while she herself isn’t evil, her nature drives her to it. Just like in the tale of the scorpion and the frog (or turtle?). She can’t help it. It’s just what she does and shouldn’t be taken personally. The only thing one can do when dealing with her is to know not to take anything she says seriously because it’s most likely a lie. And I’m not saying that to be mean, or spiteful. I’m saying it because it’s true. I never thought I’d meet a genuine pathological liar.
So, when I take into account that her nature simply leans her towards things that are harmful for herself and those around her, how can I stay angry? Actually, very easily. I resented the fact that being around her brought to the surface and to my attention the anger I have been harboring inside for many years. Anger towards all injustice in the world. Towards all anger and hate. Anger towards anyone who would willingly hurt another person in any way.
So, great, now not only do I have to admit that I had an anger issue my whole life that I was blind to, I also have Nichola to thank for everything she’s done that helped me get to this point. Trust me, I don’t really want to thank her but I will. Not personally, but within my heart.