Just had yet another argument with Mr. J tonight.  We just weren’t seeing eye to eye.  It may have started with his stubbornness but when my own reared its ugly head, it was over.  I went to facebook to whine about it and put him on blast on a status update.  But as I read what I was writing, a beautiful thing happened and I began to view the situation objectively.  Below is what I wrote there but didn’t post.  It’s cleaned up of course because, well, I’ll admit, I cuss like an unruly sailor when angry enough.  And trust me.  I was.  But this is why the title is “Sweet Release” because as you can see, I started off angry and ended up calmer and more objective and willing to admit my part in the whole situation.
Behold, the power of the written word:

“So, sick to death. I’d rather be single and alone the rest of my life than deal with this crap. This “I’m too much of a paranoia junkie and a SUPER control freak to not push and push and push and push and shove whatever bullshit I’m coming up with in my mind down people’s throats to bother realizing that THAT is what causes my greatest fears to come to fruition.” bullshit.
So fucking sick to death of it. I’ve fucking realized it for myself. Why can’t he or anyone else? Like dumb women who date shiesty guys and then getting cheated on. Next thing you know, they’re saying stupid things like “Oh he’s going to cheat on me because he called me pumpkin. Brad called me pumpkin too and he cheated on me.”
When you’re screaming at someone all the damn time telling them, “This is what you’re going to do!” and at first they base it on the behavior of past individuals they once knew. Then over time, they base it on your current record of behavior with them.  And they say, “SEE??? That’s what you always do!” Unbeknownst to their tiny minds, they just created the situation by putting so much emphasis on it.
It’s EXACTLY like when someone isn’t angry or acting belligerent and they keep being asked to calm down.  They calmly state the first several times, “I am calm.” But then, when they’re being told again, and again, and again, AND AGAIN to calm down, that starts to piss them off.  Oh great, now they really ARE angry.  And they wouldn’t have gotten there if the imbecile who was so BLIND to REALITY that they were basing their assessment of the situation, not on what they clearly saw (the person wasn’t angry and was calm), but on their preconceived notions (the person is upset about the situation and needs to be handled).

Anyone who has ever dealt with a situation like this can definitely agree with me, it’s enough to make you feel like you’re completely insane. I mean, logically, it’s the perfect conclusion to come to. “If I think I’m acting perfectly peaceful but they’re insisting this vehemently that I’m not, then maybe I’m the deluded one and I need to check myself.” Right?
Well, when that happens, and then the person who is supposedly trying to help you starts ranting and raving, that same logical mind would try to remain calm and try and diffuse the situation and try and calm that person down. And when it doesn’t work, then what?  When it only serves to piss them off more, what then?
Well, every therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor etc, I’ve ever spoken to about this very issue, has had the same advice for me: “remove yourself from the situation. the two parties need to separate, calm down, and come back when they are both better able to deal with the situation.”  This has actually worked wonders for me in life except for when dealing with certain people. Those people would be Mr. J and pretty much anyone in my blood related family.
When I try and do that with any of these people, things escalate to ridiculous heights that should NEVER EVER be reached beyond kindergarten. They refuse to walk away or calm the hell down until I consent and stop trying to share my own thoughts about the subject.  Or in my family’s case, until I apologize and beg for forgiveness as if I’ve wronged them in some way just by thinking something other than what they tell me to think.  Thank god Joker isn’t like this but he’s still no easier to deal with.  And it’s not like I have anyone who could possibly give me any advice on how to deal with him peacefully.  He himself can’t even tell me that because he changes his mind every time and I can’t call him on it without things becoming a giant argument or escalating unnecessarily (and it being all my fault according to him).
I’m sick to death of keeping quiet about this and slowly and steadily losing my grip on who I am as a person and the ability to think for myself as a result of the messed up way I was “raised” and the resemblance my relationship has taken of my childhood.  I’m so sick of it, I can’t even stand it.
But…
I don’t think it’s entirely all his fault.  My family?  Oh yeah.  ALL their fault.  I was a child. They had no business trying to raise me if they lacked the intelligence, morals, maturity and all that jazz needed to prepare a human being to live on their own in the world.
But with Jacques?  I just don’t know.  He tells me over and over how “if I would just listen to him. None of this would ever have come about.” and other stereotypical controlling phrases.  But there’s plenty of things I already know and I have lived and done very well for myself in the past (WITHOUT a man in my life that is). But what part is my fault?  Reverting back to the little girl I once was who simply did what she was told when she was told to do it and nothing else in order to avoid punishment.  Who didn’t do anything without permission.  At least on the surface.  Underneath, I screamed inside and wrote stories and drew pictures to let who I really was out in a way that didn’t get me beat.  It didn’t work of course.  I got to the point where I just didn’t do anything at all.  Whether I was told to or not.
That’s where I’ve been in the last couple of years.  Now, I’m about to have children of my own.  And I don’t want to be that anymore.  I KNOW I’m smart.  I KNOW I know better.  And I KNOW who I am and just how incredibly strong I really am.  And I just wish he could see that.  But NOOOOOO.  He just says, I’m “defiant” or “oppositional” and blah, blah, blah.
Not once does he think that maybe he lacks true leadership skills.  That a true leader inspires people to follow him, not forces them to.  It’s like he doesn’t realize that the number one thing that separates a king from a dictator is humility.  That only comes with the realization that he is just a man and that to have even one other man follow him is truly a great honor that is to be appreciated and treated with dignity and respect.

I know it’s not all his fault.  I never once believed it was.  If I hadn’t become passive and complacent and letting depression overtake me the way it did over the last year, I would either be somewhere else, single and doing well for myself better than I have ever done before.  Or him and I both would be doing better together.  By that I mean, I would be dealing with him a lot better and he would be better able to see how wrong he is WHEN he’s wrong if I had just stood firm and been the better person when he was acting like a big child.  And then it would be on him to decide to do something about it or just continue on being a douchebag . But instead, I plunged equally with him headlong into childishness.  And who then is more wrong?  And does it really matter?
I should have known that when he’s being a damn hypocrite, that nothing short of the voice of God Himself would be able to pierce those deaf ears of his to call him out on it.  Yet, I got haughty and believed I could and tried anyway.  And what’s worse?  I keep trying anyway.  Even knowing it’s NEVER going to work.
I should be praying and asking God to open his eyes and speak to his heart.  Maybe God would use me and speak through me and maybe He won’t.  Who cares? As long as He gets through, that’s all that matters.
And then once I’ve prayed for that, I should be asking God for His strength and endurance to be the strong woman Joker needs by his side.  I should be focused on what I could be doing right instead of what he’s doing wrong. And let God take care of correcting him and not worry about how He does it whether it be through me or someone else.”

See?  I become distraught and go on rants just the same as anyone else.  I get depressed and make mistakes and hurt people’s feelings and occasionally get high and mighty. We all do.  Even the most humble person gets that way.  The only difference between any of us is how we handle it and our willingness to learn from it and do better.  This is why I had fallen off of writing my blog for so long.  I just didn’t feel right sharing my staying positive techniques and healthy habits if I wasn’t actually putting them into practice.   But I started thinking, why not?  Why not just be open and honest about my downfalls and how I pull myself out again and again?  We all fall.  No one is perfect.  And I for one always respect people more who give me advice coming from a place of imperfection.

So I decided to share with you a lot of what I’ve been going through in the last year and what I’ve been finding to help me through it and what’s actually worked for me and what has simply fallen through the cracks.  I just figure, hey if it doesn’t work for me, it might work for someone else and who am I to withhold potentially useful information just because I didn’t like it?  That is completely contrary to everything I stand for and believe in.

So, I’m actually really looking forward to this whole new experience and I hope you’ll all join me and feel free to share your thoughts and opinions with me in the comments.  And remember to check me out on YouTube where I post my ramblings, rants, raves and other randomness.  Just search for SurrealifiedTV.  I’ll be the one with the hysterical laughing headshot for a profile picture.

Take care and stay positive everyone!

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