I lost one of my dogs this week. Someone killed her. I don’t know who and I don’t know why. But we found her in the back yard stabbed up. I don’t know why they left our other dog alone. But it’s got me really depressed.
Her name was Belldandy after one of the goddesses in Ah! My Goddess. I called her my moo-cow because of the way she walked. If you’ve ever seen a cow walk, you know what I’m talking about. And she always made this adorable sound that, to me, sounded like a baby cow trying to moo.
I blame myself for what happened. Maybe if I had paid more attention or trained her to be more aggressive towards uninvited guests or something. I don’t know.
I used to have a whole lot more dogs at one time. But puppy had followed me home one day and I didn’t have the heart to turn her away so, I took her in. Little did I know that she got into something outside that made her sick and when I let her around the rest of my dogs, they too got sick and they all died in only 3 short days because I couldn’t get them to the vet. Considering what happened to my Belldandy, I wouldn’t doubt they were all poisoned but I can’t say for sure. One of them survived. His name was Kaze. But then, in December, he got out of a hole I didn’t know about in the fence out back after chewing through his leash and got hit by a car right out in front of our house. The worst part of that was that we had walked the whole fence and did what we could to patch every single hole we had found. We told the landlady about the holes and our concern for the safety of my smaller dogs and she just ignored it. Then, we found out she had everything needed to fix the fence in the garage and she just wasn’t trying to come up off of it.
I am never getting another dog again. That’s what I want to say. But I know, eventually, when I’ve finally gotten over the loss of my beloved fur-babies, I might consider getting another. I know that I can’t let this depression overtake me but it is hard not to. I can’t help but blame myself. I just recently got Belldandy and Dream. They’re just puppies. I don’t know why anyone would kill a puppy. Or a baby anything for that matter.
Well, anyway. That’s what I’ve got to suck up today. Dream is still here and she’s depressed and missing her sister very much. I have to be strong for her. I can’t let myself fall apart.
So, what I’m going to do is get myself a plant. One for each of them. And when we moved into a much better place and neighborhood, I think I’ll start a garden in memory of them.
I know, I know. That sounds sappy as all hell but I don’t care. I love my dogs the way I would love my own flesh and blood child. And I know they wouldn’t want me to be sad. When they were alive, they got depressed whenever I went through a depression spell. It made them so unhappy to see me that way, so I won’t let this depression take me. It would dishonor their memory.
If you’re going through mourning the loss of a loved one, keep that in mind. It doesn’t matter if it was a human or an animal. I know, because I’ve dealt with both and anyone else who also has felt both pains, will tell you. No matter who it was, losing them hurts. Period. When they were alive, it made them unhappy to see you hurting and depressed, so do your best to push past it. It’s alright to cry. I’ve cried last night and probably will again tonight. But right now, there’s things that need to be done and a dog that remains and needs me to be strong for her.
What has helped me has been the same coping method I’ve used when I miss someone who’s still alive. I just go throughout my day as usual and whenever thoughts of that person keep coming back, I turn it into thoughts of how I know they’d react at what I’m doing. If it would make them smile or laugh. And I’d imagine what they would say if they were standing in front of me right in that moment. And I take comfort in knowing that it’s just their body that’s gone and their spirit is still alive and shining.
Yeah, I know that is clichéd as all get out, but that’s because it really does help a lot of people.
Hope I didn’t bring any of you down. Just keeping it real.