So, you’re dating a Negative Nancy and you’ve read my last (angrily written) satire on how to handle it but you’re still determined you can work things out.
Well, you might just well be right. In this post, I want to take a more serious tone and explain to you how we the naggees might look to the nagg-ers (wow…. had to add the hyphen in there so as not to have it mistaken for another word >_<).
Now, some nit-picky people might have certain reasons for their nit-picking. But I’m focusing on only one particular reason. And that is, that they may be doing so out of insecurities of their own. Feelings that they themselves are falling far short of being worth their partner’s time and love. And instead of simply admitting this outwardly, they avoid the chance of looking weak and project their insecurities onto their partner.
They may be thinking to themselves things like, “I don’t even know why he/she is even wasting their time with me. They could do so much better. I don’t deserve him/her.” With these thoughts constantly floating around in their head, they may look at their partner’s pained expression and think, “See? If I was right for them, there’d be a smile there instead of a frown. How can I be right for him/her if I can’t even make /him/her happy?”
Because of their own insecurities, seeing their partner depressed and sad only perpetuates this line of thinking. Bearing in mind that loving ourselves correctly is the key to loving others correctly, this in turn translates into nagging and put-downs on a daily basis. Not because they really feel this way but because this is how they speak to themselves in their own minds.
The best way to help them to get over this is to tell them now and again not to be so hard on themselves and to encourage them. The hardest but most important time to do this is when they’re about to start another nagging rant. If you find the words getting caught in your throat, just hold them and let your eyes do the talking. If they’re guard lets down enough, give them a kiss on the cheek as well to drive the point home.
I myself can speak from experience that this works because Mr. J is harder on himself than anyone I’ve ever known and he tends to nag and criticize the same way but after some soul searching and pulling on my inner strength, I’ve managed to put aside my hurt feelings and apply these techniques and he’s doing all the better for it.
Of course, like I said before, this will only work when applied to the kind of nag who actually does love and care about their partner but hasn’t yet learned to love themselves properly. It’s highly unlikely to work on a truly abusive person whose only goal is to put others down to make themselves feel superior.
And mind you, this is NOT easy. It took me almost two whole years to finally get to this point but that’s mostly due to a ton of other major life events that have been happening along the way as well (for example, a miscarriage in the spring and then most recently, my beautiful Dachsund getting hit and killed by a car earlier this month) which threw me into very deep depression by themselves.
Just give it time, take good care of yourself and remember to keep encouraging yourself as much as if not more than you encourage your partner. You must be strong for the both of you if you want to see yourself and your partner living a happier life.
I hope this helps give you a bit of insight and I hope my own techniques prove helpful to you as well.